Sleep

As you may know from reading the blog, I have sleep issues.

I have never been the best sleeper.  I've never really been able to nap or sleep in cars or planes.  But give me my bed and eight hours, and that always worked for me.  I had no real complaints.

Since two days after Casey's birth, my sleep has been completely off.  My insomnia was the first sign of my postpartum depression, and what prompted me to go on medication.  Since then, the depression and anxiety have disappeared, and I am back to my happy go-lucky self.  Unfortunately, the sleep issues remain.

I have been on and off sleeping pills for the past eight months.  I'll go a month without using them at all, and then have one bad night, which results in my using the pills again for another six weeks.  Right now I am in an "on" period.  Which generally makes me feel sad and helpless.

Here is a typical night during my "on" period:  Get in bed at 10.  Watch TV until 11.  Turn TV off and begin to toss and turn.  An inner monologue begins, and goes something like this:


"Just calm down and relax.  You will eventually fall asleep.....  Oh, did you see that?  You were almost asleep!  You're almost there.  No, no, stop thinking about it.  Think about the day.  What did you do today?  Okay, that's boring.  Think about Casey's birth story.  Braden's birth story.  Why aren't you asleep yet?  You are so tired!  What time is it now?  Oh shit, it's' 11:30.  You have to at least hold out on the sleeping pill until midnight.  Maybe by midnight you'll be asleep.  Think about something else.  Ugh, my husband's snoring again.  How is it he is able to fall asleep so easily?  Not fair.  Oh, look there, you're almost asleep again!  Shit, now you're not.  Why not?  You are so exhausted it is painful!  Screw waiting until midnight, you're exhausted.  Take the pill now, you know you'll end up having to take it anyway."

And so on and so forth.

It's like every night is a challenge - can I do it myself or not?  If I do, I wake up the next morning and feel so proud (and announce it to my husband immediately).  If I cave and take a sleeping pill, I wake up groggy and feeling bad about myself.  How is it I have been able to sleep my whole life, and now have to rely on a little pill?

Honestly, I think I probably have too much time on my hands to think these days.  Because you know what - who cares?  If this is the worst thing I have to worry about in my life, I think I'm a pretty lucky person, right?  I need to just chill out about it and feel fortunate that there is a pill out there that is helping me.  (By the way, for anyone else out there having this problem, the pill I take is called Trazadone - I tried Ambien and it didn't work for me).

In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears!