Something Between a Midlife and Quarter-life Crisis

It's not a quarter-life crisis.  Assuming I live to be a hundred (which is questionable given my unhealthy eating habits), the quarter-life crisis was seven years ago.  And its not a midlife crisis either - I thankfully am still quite a ways off from fifty.  I'm not sure there's a term for what I'm "in" now.  Maybe it's because most people don't have a "crisis" at this time in their lives?

I'm not really in crisis.  But after you read this post, you may think otherwise.

I am seriously considering getting a tattoo.

Weird, right?  This idea had come and gone for me around the age of 22.  I thought it was over.  But since the idea's new inception, it is mustering and lingering and gaining momentum.

Where did this idea come from?  Our neighborhood pool.


For better or worse, when people are in a bathing suit you notice their bodies more.  In all the glory - the fat, the moles, the random scars and birthmarks, and the usually hidden tattoos.

And what I am about to say is so incredibly judgmental and shallow and biased and all things awful.  But it's true and I try to be sincere in this blog so here it is.  There was a woman there who looked to be in her late thirties.  She had three kids.  I'm always looking for potential mom friends, but I could tell from looking at this woman that we probably wouldn't be friends.  She seemed a bit off putting.  She had a scrunchy in her hair (I didn't know they still made those).  She had on a real "mom" bathing suit - not one of those that has the little skirt or mesh mid-drift.  I feel like those are making a comeback now (or maybe, as I get older, these things just become a little bit more okay to me).  No, it was kind of like a really unflattering women's swim team uniform bathing suit.  Her hair looked like it had been permed - the top was straight, but the bottom was still holding on to the curl.

To be sure, I am not stylish.  AT ALL.  So I don't know where I get off thinking I can judge other people.  But on this occasion, I did.

But then, as she turned around to chase after one of her kids . . . . I saw it.  Just under her permed hair was a small tattoo.  I couldn't make out what it was, but my whole impression of this woman changed.  Oh, I thought.  Maybe she's not so uptight after all.  Maybe she smoked pot in her youth.  Maybe scrunchies aren't so bad.  Maybe she's cool.  Maybe she's cooler than me.  And as I looked down at my muffin top, scrawny legs, aqua bikini, and pale white body, I realized yes.  She definitely is cooler than me.

And that was it.  I had to get one myself.  Just to let everyone know - that even as I get older, fatter, and even more unstylish and disheveled than I already am, that I also am cool.  I'm not so stuffy.  I'm not an uptight, conservative lawyer.  Maybe I even smoked pot in my youth.

And yes, I realize that this is beyond absolutely ridiculous.  It's hysterical in fact.

But I still want the tattoo.

I have been debating the location.  I thought about the lower back, but then was informed that this was called a "tramp stamp."  I don't want it anywhere too obvious.  So I'm thinking on my right side, like in between the muffin top and the arm pit.  Or maybe on the back of my neck under my hair.  I am open to suggestions.

I have no idea when I will do it, or even if I will have the courage to go through with it.  I also have no idea what said tattoo will be of.  I am open to suggestions on this as well.

And I also welcome any and all comments that go something like, "Are you crazy?" and "Get a life!" and "You're going to regret it!" and (this one is for my mother in law, imagine this with a thick Long Island accent) "But then you can't get buried in a Jewish cemetary!"  I'll take it all into consideration.

Do you have a tattoo?  Do you like it?  Do you wear scrunchies?