AP Math

Up until my junior year in high school, I never put that much effort into school.  I would get A's and B's, but I actually didn't care that much about my grades.  I wasn't really challenged, and I didn't care to be challenged either.  I was more into boys and lunch time and talking on the phone for hours each evening (thank God I grew up before Facebook).

I had always taken AP Math classes, and my junior year I signed up for AP Precalculus.  Within the first week or so, it became clear that this was not going to be so easy peasy.  I did the homework as required and studied for quizzes and exams in study hall, but it didn't cut it.  For the first time in my academic career, I was failing.  Failing!  I was humiliated.  I remember asking to go to the nurse during one class right before the teacher was about to pass back test results, because I was so ashamed.  After about a month, I went to see my guidance counselor and told her I wanted to transfer to the Honors class instead.  She approved it, and within a few days, my schedule was changed.

Then something weird happened. 

I started to feel bad about myself - like I let myself down.  During the first day in my new math class, I had to hold back tears the entire time.  My emotions were shocking to me.  Why did I care?  Shouldn't I be happy?  No more shame.  No more failing.  I was back in my comfort zone, where I could put forth minimal effort and sail by and life would go on.  But for some reason, I did feel shame.  More shame than I felt in getting a failing grade.

Back I went to the guidance counselor, with my tail between my legs.  I asked to be reinstated to my original schedule.  She said it was fine, but I would have to get permission from my original teacher from the AP class.  Mrs. Kobida reluctantly allowed me to return, but on the condition that I put forth a lot of effort - that I reach out for tutoring, that I participate in class, and that my grades improve.

I worked my ass off and got an A in the class for the year.  And from that point on, I was a different person academically.  I started caring, and put forth more effort all around.  I wanted to be challenged, and anything less than stellar results was unacceptable. This attitude carried me through the rest of my higher education.  When I would get the occasional B, I felt bad about myself.  Not because it was a bad grade, but because I could have done better.  And by many accounts, this attitude served me well - good law school, good job, good salary.  Done.

This attitude also made me particularly well suited for a job in biglaw.  The best biglaw associates are the ones who are their own worst critics - who are their own motivators.  In many ways, I looked at my job as another academic experience.  I wanted A's - I wanted the best reviews.  I wanted the biggest bonus - not because of the money per se (though the money was nice), but because it was an indication that I was excelling.  That I wasn't being complacent or lazy. That I was fulfilling my potential.

It was this very attitude that made me feel shame when I asked for a part time schedule at work after Braden was born.  I felt it was an admission that I wasn't rising to the challenge anymore.  Yes, I would still try and do my best at the work that I was given, but that was undermined by the fact that I was putting forth much less effort overall.  Kind of like dropping down to Honors Math.

And then, when I decided to quit .... wow, there was even more shame in that.  Now I wasn't just dropping down to Honors Math.  I was dropping math all together.  I had come full circle.  And thus was born my internal struggle in making my decision to stay at home.  A big tornado of relief, regret, excitement, anxiety, and shame.

In the past few months, my shame has begun to dissipate.  I have realized that my situation is very different than it was 15 years ago in high school.  Yes, I am dropping out of math.  But I have added a couple more very demanding classes, called Braden and Casey.  Some people are really good at excelling in multiple classes at once, and I truly tip my hat off to those people.  In a lot of ways, I wish I could do all three classes.  But for me, that was just too hard.  In order to excel in my new classes, something had to give.  So no more math. 

I'm beginning to realize that it's pretty judgmental of society at large to judge me for wanting to scale back my course load right now.  I'm beginning to realize that it isn't so outlandish to have an expectation of recognition for the work that I am doing, perhaps in the form of an appropriate increase in my future social security benefit.  I'm beginning to realize that the term "feminist stay at home mom" is not an oxymoron.  I'm beginning to realize that I can always sign up for another math class someday - maybe not the same math class as before, but a challenging one nonetheless. 

And I'm proud to say that I'm doing a damn good job at the classes I'm taking right now.  And as time goes by, I miss AP math less and less.