Every now and then a "leaving memo" makes legal news. Occasionally they involve cursing, a big F-you to the partners, or an F-you to the legal industry generally. I myself, have tired of these. Good for you, you have the balls to really give it to them. Your memo went viral. You're legal career is over. Worth it? Who's to say.
But last week, a different kind of leaving memo made its rounds on the internet, written by a departing Clifford Chance associate. You probably have read about it already, but if you haven't, here's an excerpt, taken from Above the Law:
There's been a lot of buzz about this leaving memo. It was the subject of Lisa Belkin's column in The Huffington Post, was featured in articles on Baby Center, The Business Insider, and the ABA Journal, and even appeared in the UK newspaper, The Daily Mail.
It struck a nerve. And a lot of criticism. As I perused the comments to some of these articles, I was horrified. I was offended. I was sad. Here are a few of them, from the Above the Law article:
"Don't have kids. Problem solved."
"Don't go to law school is a better solution."
"How can this woman expect to keep a good man around when she doesn't make it a priority to devote time to her husband? I did not see one 'quality' time entry dedicated to this woman's husband. You can't have it all without a man. Remember that honey."
"I don't know why you think I'm supposed to feel sorry for this person. They can't have a household where both he and she have fabulous well-paying jobs AND get to spend plenty of time with their designer children. Boo freakin' hoo."
Other, more reasonable commenters, voiced that her husband should have chipped in. That she should get a nanny. That she was portraying herself as a martyr.
Me? I think she was just being honest.
What she describes is nothing new - an all or nothing, impossible situation in biglaw where one must choose kids or work. But the reason, I think, that this article has gone viral is that it is so rare that anyone has the courage to talk about it. Good for Ms. Anonymous Memo Writer. We should be talking about it.
What has happened to feminism? And what is feminism? When I first left my job, I felt like I was letting feminism down. All these women had worked and fought so hard to give me the same opportunities afforded to men, I had taken advantage of them and achieved success, and there I was, throwing it all away. Numerous comments on my blog have conveyed as much. I was, in many senses, ashamed. I felt I had failed all women. I felt I had failed myself.
But in the couple of years since I walked away from biglaw, my opinion has changed. I don't think feminism is about achieving equality with men. No, that aims too low. After all, I don't necessarily want what today's men have, particularly in the legal industry. A stigma associated with any kind of parental leave? An inflexible working environment? Long hours? No, thank you. As one commenter put it:
"If 'feminism' means women get 3 hours of sleep per night and young children never see their mothers, then fuck it."
I don't think feminism is about this, or at least, it shouldn't be. I think feminism is about achieving greater choices for women. More options. More flexibility. About acknowledging the fact that we do have children, and when we do, there has to be some way to forge a balance. Because that is better for EVERYONE. Better for the women, better for the companies that retain talent, and better for, perhaps the most important player, the children.
Old school feminism was built on the model of achieving equality with husbands - husbands who had wives who worked full time managing the household and raising the children. And we have achieved that, to a certain extent. But at what cost? As Lisa Belkin wrote in her column, "[t]he workplace as it exists - particularly in the legal world in which this woman works - is a 1950s model set in a 2012 world. It assumes that workers can do their jobs (billing 1800 to 2000 hours of work each year) with no distractions, because there is someone (traditionally a wife) at home to sort out the rest of their lives." Now that that wife is no longer at home, society seems to accept, and even expect, that children should be secondary to career demands.
This isn't to say that all parents should stay at home with their kids. Or that all mothers should work part time. Or that fathers can't do the former or the latter. It's to say that there should be flexible choices for all of us, that aren't so all or nothing - that aren't so black and white. And that companies, the legal industry, society - all of us- need to change our value system a bit. The fact that this woman spoke the truth, in a quite literal way, and was blasted for it, is very telling. It's almost as if we women should be so appreciative of the opportunities afforded to us, of the salaries that success yields, that how dare we complain.
The fact is, this woman was lucky, in the same way I was. We had a choice - we were able to leave our jobs in favor of a more reasonable, livable situation. So many women aren't in the fortunate financial position to make that choice.
We all deserve more.
********************************************************************
(By the way, the identity of this attorney is anonymous, but she does live in Washington, DC. So anonymous attorney, if you by any chance ever read this, email me! (butidohavealawdegree@gmail.com). You should totally do a guest post for the blog. Or meet me for a drink.)
But last week, a different kind of leaving memo made its rounds on the internet, written by a departing Clifford Chance associate. You probably have read about it already, but if you haven't, here's an excerpt, taken from Above the Law:
A day in the life of Ms. X (and many others here, I presume):
4:00am: Hear baby screaming, hope I am dreaming, realize I’m not, sleep walk to nursery, give her a pacifier and put her back to sleep
4:45am: Finally get back to bed
5:30am: Alarm goes off, hit snooze
6:00am: See the shadow of a small person standing at my bedroom door, realize it is my son who has wet the bed (time to change the sheets)
6:15am: Hear baby screaming, make a bottle, turn on another excruciating episode of Backyardigans, feed baby
7:00am: Find some clean clothes for the kids, get them dressed
7:30am: Realize that I am still in my pajamas and haven’t showered, so pull hair back in a ponytail and throw on a suit
8:00am: Pile into the car, drive the kids to daycare
8:15am: TRAFFIC
9:00am: finally arrive at daycare, baby spits up on suit, get kids to their classrooms, realize I have a conference call in 15 minutes
9:20am: Run into my office, dial-in to conference call 5 minutes late and realize that no one would have known whether or not I was on the call, but take notes anyway
9:30am: Get an email that my time is late, Again! Enter my time
10:00am: Team meeting; leave with a 50-item to-do list
11:00am: Attempt to prioritize to-do list and start tasks; start an email delegating a portion of the tasks (then, remember there is no one under me)
2:00pm: Realize I forgot to eat lunch, so go to the 9th floor kitchen to score some leftovers
2:30pm: Get a frantic email from a client needing an answer to a question by COB today
2:45pm: postpone work on task number 2 of 50 from to-do list and attempt to draft a response to client’s question
4:30pm: send draft response to Senior Associate and Partner for review
5:00pm: receive conflicting comments from Senior Associate and Partner (one in new version and one in track changes); attempt to reconcile; send redline
5:30pm: wait for approval to send response to client; realize that I am going to be late picking up the kids from daycare ($5 for each minute late)
5:50pm: get approval; quickly send response to client
6:00pm: race to daycare to get the kids (they are the last two there)
6:30pm: TRAFFIC with a side of screaming kids who are starving
7:15pm: Finally arrive home, throw chicken nuggets in the microwave, feed the family
7:45pm: Negotiate with husband over who will do bathtime and bedtime routine; lose
8:00pm: Bath, pajamas, books, bed
9:00pm: Kids are finally asleep, check blackberry and have 25 unread messages
9:15pm: Make a cup of coffee and open laptop; login to Citrix
9:45pm: Citrix finally loads; start task number 2
11:30pm: Wake up and realize I fell asleep at my desk; make more coffee; get through task number 3
1:00am: Jump in the shower (lord knows I won’t have time in the morning)
1:30am: Finally go to bed
4:45am: Finally get back to bed
5:30am: Alarm goes off, hit snooze
6:00am: See the shadow of a small person standing at my bedroom door, realize it is my son who has wet the bed (time to change the sheets)
6:15am: Hear baby screaming, make a bottle, turn on another excruciating episode of Backyardigans, feed baby
7:00am: Find some clean clothes for the kids, get them dressed
7:30am: Realize that I am still in my pajamas and haven’t showered, so pull hair back in a ponytail and throw on a suit
8:00am: Pile into the car, drive the kids to daycare
8:15am: TRAFFIC
9:00am: finally arrive at daycare, baby spits up on suit, get kids to their classrooms, realize I have a conference call in 15 minutes
9:20am: Run into my office, dial-in to conference call 5 minutes late and realize that no one would have known whether or not I was on the call, but take notes anyway
9:30am: Get an email that my time is late, Again! Enter my time
10:00am: Team meeting; leave with a 50-item to-do list
11:00am: Attempt to prioritize to-do list and start tasks; start an email delegating a portion of the tasks (then, remember there is no one under me)
2:00pm: Realize I forgot to eat lunch, so go to the 9th floor kitchen to score some leftovers
2:30pm: Get a frantic email from a client needing an answer to a question by COB today
2:45pm: postpone work on task number 2 of 50 from to-do list and attempt to draft a response to client’s question
4:30pm: send draft response to Senior Associate and Partner for review
5:00pm: receive conflicting comments from Senior Associate and Partner (one in new version and one in track changes); attempt to reconcile; send redline
5:30pm: wait for approval to send response to client; realize that I am going to be late picking up the kids from daycare ($5 for each minute late)
5:50pm: get approval; quickly send response to client
6:00pm: race to daycare to get the kids (they are the last two there)
6:30pm: TRAFFIC with a side of screaming kids who are starving
7:15pm: Finally arrive home, throw chicken nuggets in the microwave, feed the family
7:45pm: Negotiate with husband over who will do bathtime and bedtime routine; lose
8:00pm: Bath, pajamas, books, bed
9:00pm: Kids are finally asleep, check blackberry and have 25 unread messages
9:15pm: Make a cup of coffee and open laptop; login to Citrix
9:45pm: Citrix finally loads; start task number 2
11:30pm: Wake up and realize I fell asleep at my desk; make more coffee; get through task number 3
1:00am: Jump in the shower (lord knows I won’t have time in the morning)
1:30am: Finally go to bed
REPEAT
There's been a lot of buzz about this leaving memo. It was the subject of Lisa Belkin's column in The Huffington Post, was featured in articles on Baby Center, The Business Insider, and the ABA Journal, and even appeared in the UK newspaper, The Daily Mail.
It struck a nerve. And a lot of criticism. As I perused the comments to some of these articles, I was horrified. I was offended. I was sad. Here are a few of them, from the Above the Law article:
"Don't have kids. Problem solved."
"Don't go to law school is a better solution."
"How can this woman expect to keep a good man around when she doesn't make it a priority to devote time to her husband? I did not see one 'quality' time entry dedicated to this woman's husband. You can't have it all without a man. Remember that honey."
"I don't know why you think I'm supposed to feel sorry for this person. They can't have a household where both he and she have fabulous well-paying jobs AND get to spend plenty of time with their designer children. Boo freakin' hoo."
Other, more reasonable commenters, voiced that her husband should have chipped in. That she should get a nanny. That she was portraying herself as a martyr.
Me? I think she was just being honest.
What she describes is nothing new - an all or nothing, impossible situation in biglaw where one must choose kids or work. But the reason, I think, that this article has gone viral is that it is so rare that anyone has the courage to talk about it. Good for Ms. Anonymous Memo Writer. We should be talking about it.
What has happened to feminism? And what is feminism? When I first left my job, I felt like I was letting feminism down. All these women had worked and fought so hard to give me the same opportunities afforded to men, I had taken advantage of them and achieved success, and there I was, throwing it all away. Numerous comments on my blog have conveyed as much. I was, in many senses, ashamed. I felt I had failed all women. I felt I had failed myself.
But in the couple of years since I walked away from biglaw, my opinion has changed. I don't think feminism is about achieving equality with men. No, that aims too low. After all, I don't necessarily want what today's men have, particularly in the legal industry. A stigma associated with any kind of parental leave? An inflexible working environment? Long hours? No, thank you. As one commenter put it:
"If 'feminism' means women get 3 hours of sleep per night and young children never see their mothers, then fuck it."
I don't think feminism is about this, or at least, it shouldn't be. I think feminism is about achieving greater choices for women. More options. More flexibility. About acknowledging the fact that we do have children, and when we do, there has to be some way to forge a balance. Because that is better for EVERYONE. Better for the women, better for the companies that retain talent, and better for, perhaps the most important player, the children.
Old school feminism was built on the model of achieving equality with husbands - husbands who had wives who worked full time managing the household and raising the children. And we have achieved that, to a certain extent. But at what cost? As Lisa Belkin wrote in her column, "[t]he workplace as it exists - particularly in the legal world in which this woman works - is a 1950s model set in a 2012 world. It assumes that workers can do their jobs (billing 1800 to 2000 hours of work each year) with no distractions, because there is someone (traditionally a wife) at home to sort out the rest of their lives." Now that that wife is no longer at home, society seems to accept, and even expect, that children should be secondary to career demands.
This isn't to say that all parents should stay at home with their kids. Or that all mothers should work part time. Or that fathers can't do the former or the latter. It's to say that there should be flexible choices for all of us, that aren't so all or nothing - that aren't so black and white. And that companies, the legal industry, society - all of us- need to change our value system a bit. The fact that this woman spoke the truth, in a quite literal way, and was blasted for it, is very telling. It's almost as if we women should be so appreciative of the opportunities afforded to us, of the salaries that success yields, that how dare we complain.
The fact is, this woman was lucky, in the same way I was. We had a choice - we were able to leave our jobs in favor of a more reasonable, livable situation. So many women aren't in the fortunate financial position to make that choice.
We all deserve more.
********************************************************************
(By the way, the identity of this attorney is anonymous, but she does live in Washington, DC. So anonymous attorney, if you by any chance ever read this, email me! (butidohavealawdegree@gmail.com). You should totally do a guest post for the blog. Or meet me for a drink.)
Posts
The comments on above the law that got to me were the ones that basically said, it wouldn't have been so hard if she just made her husband do more/everything, hired a nanny, lived closer to work, etc... Even if all of those things were feasible changes she could have made, the bottom line would still be the same...Big Law requires you to make your job your number 1 priority and at a minimum, your family or your health or your marriage will suffer because of it at least some of the time.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I personally don't think the changes suggested are always workable. And just because you work in Big Law does not mean that you have endless amounts of money to pay for full-time nannies and housing near work, especially if you live in a high-cost-of-living area, have student loans and kids.
My impression from the memo was that she wasn't blaming the firm or her colleagues so much as acknowledging that Big Law just isn't compatible with being a mom for many women. I don't think it's fair to blame any woman for trying to make it work or to heap on any additional guilt or sense of failure to what she's probably already feeling when she admits it's not working.
I think you and her both are inspirations. I hope that someday there are more plentiful and viable solutions for moms who want to to be a lawyer AND have time for their kid(s). Until then, it's so helpful just to have someone honestly voicing the frustration and their solutions.
I like how the comments on ATL talk about the choices she could have made to make her life easier, but never acknowledge that leaving Big Law is also a choice that would make her life easier.
ReplyDeleteThings like this are the reason I never read ATL. It perpetuates the boys' club that is law.
Where's dad? She bathed the kids, put them to bed, fed them, woke up in the middle of the night, changed sheets, drove them to daycare and picked them up. Sorry, but this dude needs to step up. Even stay-at-home moms shouldn't have to do ALL that. I'm not saying her situation would have worked if dad had stepped up but still it's not right.
ReplyDelete(I'm a temporary stay-at-home dad with 6-month old boy).
Agreed, I didn't feel she wrote the events of her day in a way that was blaming anyone. She never used any adjectives at all to describe her husband, her employer, or even herself to be painted as the victim at all.
ReplyDeleteWhat I read was a brutally honest look at exactly what her day looks like, which is a lot like what mine looks like and what many full time working moms days look like as well.
And "just get a nanny, just move, just etc. etc. etc." are all sacrifices. Something's got to give. What do you have to go without to pay for a nanny, to move, to whatever.
This mom is doing what I and a lot of moms do and self sacrificing. It's common, it's an instinct and I feel it's admirable.
She doesn't even include time away from work to obtain required continuing legal education credits and represent indigents (in my state, you get up to 7 appointments per year). Working a 9-5 is hard enough as a mom even when nights and weekends are yours. The reality of life as a married lawyer with kids is not something I fully comprehended as a single, childless student. I try to tell young women what the profession can be like. Until you are in the thick of it, it is difficult to understand how draining it can be. Good post.
ReplyDeleteAll good points. An interesting point my father (an old, republican white guy who is the former managing partner of an amlaw100 firm) made upon the confirmation of the last two supreme court justices, Kagan and Sotomayor, was how disappointing it was that they, as justices (not as women) did not have children. His point was that what it takes to make it to the top for men and women has changed. You must have myopic fixation and put your career and ambition above all else, including any desire you may have had to have a family. What you could end up left with (no offense to Justices Kagan and Sotomayor) is a supreme court full of people whose heads were s buried in the law they did not forge familial relationships or have children. Is this who we want on our Court? running our law firms? As politicians? I don't mean to pick on these two justices, I am just using them to highlight an all or nothing trend I see in society and in the legal profession that could be really damaging to society. People with family obligations who work provide much value, even if they can't always be in the office until 9 each night.
ReplyDeleteI basically live this, except my family doesn't have the financial option of me staying at home - which, by the way, is my dream. I have found that the men I work for are completely out of touch with young kid times - their children are now grown. When I broached the topic of part-time, my own boss was very understanding and helpful, but the firm was not - offering to pay me an exact percentage - with no extra compensation for extra time worked. So it's in or out - and I don't have the luxury of a choice right now. I do have the comfort of actually liking the people I work with and not minding the work itself. If I had known first year what being a lawyer with two small children would be like - not so sure I would have continued down the path.
ReplyDeleteWhat bothered me about this memo is that if I had read it before having kids I would have thought that even having a somewhat demanding 9-5 job is impossible with kids. And if I had her life, it likely would be. And yet, I have two under two and a demanding (and interesting) job and a husband who also works full time and I love my life, do a good job at work, and spend enough time with my kids. Are there times when my life feels like the trailer to "I don't know how she does it"? Sure. but there are other times when I spend 2 hours reading to and playing w/my kids before work, spend all day thinking about interesting issues and talking to super smart people and then come home for stories, bath and bedtime. How do I do it?
ReplyDelete1) I have a husband who does half the parenting
2) I have a nanny who is fabulous (and if you can afford to not work, you can likely afford a nanny - even if you pay your nanny your entire salary, you are keeping your skills current and building your retirement savings)
3) I have a short commute (30 min walk or 15 min by metro)
4) I have a great boss who values my skills and I have a lot of in depth knowledge and couldn't easily be replaced so I don't worry if I sometimes leave early for music class or come in late b/c of a ped appt
5)I love what I do (not true for a lot of lawyers I think)
I remember learning that Susan B. Anthony never married. She dedicated her entire life to her activism for women equality. What a great sacrifice- but sad in a way too. There were so many limitations for women- people in general- then by class, race, religion and sex. We have come a long way but this Memo and the comments show the struggles we as a society still maintain either consciously or subconsciously. I have had this demanding schedule (add in work blackberry and weekend meetings!) but with a stay at home husband. Now the tables are reversed albeit his schedule is far better in academia. I am lucky we were able to make that choice! I have close girlfriends from law school whose spouses are lost when it comes to childcare and the mom does all the heavy lifting. Setting boundaries at work where you can and seeking help at home- from spouse or hired help- is key! I had a sitter one time who was paid $20 per visit to pick up another families’ child from school and bring her home. The sitter would fill in where needed- that was a critical/stressful time for the parents but for little money they filled the gap. It takes loads of planning- and the right work environment for both parents to be working and not go insane! But, you know, I am not aiming to be a Supreme Court Justice or a Partner for that matter. Makes you wonder..to have those top end jobs.. do you have to forgo the joys of parenthood? Justice O’Connor has 3 children and Justice Ginsberg has 2. Justice Ginsberg’s eldest child was born the year before law school- she went to Harvard with a baby and a husband- plus made law review. Most notably -After the birth of their daughter, her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. During this period, Ginsburg attended class and took notes for both of them; typed her husband's papers to his dictation; and cared for their daughter and her sick husband – all while making the Harvard Law Review. They celebrated their 56th wedding anniversary on June 23, 2010. Martin Ginsburg died of complications from metastatic cancer on June 27, 2010. Life, marriage, family are so important- we only get one round. Here is to no regrets either personally or professionally.
ReplyDelete