Pregnant Woman Walking (Barely)

The weird thing about being 39+ weeks pregnant is that you never when the ball will drop.  When plans will be abandoned.  When people will scramble.  When life will be forever changed.

I walk around each day as if it's a normal day.  I do the preschool pick ups and plan playdates and make dinner.  I put the kids to bed each night as I normally do, never saying out loud what I am thinking - Is this the last time I'll put you to bed as a mother of two?  Will I be here tomorrow night to tuck you in?  

It's is truly amazing to me how much things are about to change, and how it all will happen so quickly. Broken water, strong contractions, whatever else sends me in route to the hospital.  I will leave my regular life behind, and return to a new one.

The unpredictability is killing me a bit, to be honest.  Always wanting to be in control, I have multiple babysitters/friends/family on call, and several contingency plans.  I have a list of numbers by the fridge, and several versions of the kids' schedule, depending on what time I have to leave and who will be here.  I have my suitcase packed, complete with baby clothes and a post-partum outfit and prescription for zoloft, should I need it.  I have gifts already wrapped for the kids from the baby, a BPA free bottle with a straw for my labor, and the camera battery fully charged.

I am ready.

But when????  How?????

Every contraction has me wondering... Every weird symptom.  This morning I was laying on the couch, and all of a sudden felt faint and saw "stars."  After the brief episode, I was on my computer immediately googling "faint" and labor.  (By the way, I have determined that no matter what symptom you combine with "labor," someone on the internet will tell you that there is a positive correlation).

When I think I might be in labor, even for an instant, I am immediately flooded with conflicted emotions.  Anxiety - of how on earth this huge baby is going to get out of my body.  Fear - of how much it will hurt to get this huge baby out of my body.  Resentment - of how my husband has to do nothing but sit and watch while this huge baby comes out of my body.  Guilt - of leaving my kids for a couple of days.  Dread - of the lack of sleep I'm about to endure.  Excitement - of the fact that I am about to experience life's most amazing moment - the moment you see your child for the first time.

Such a huge thing lies before me, and I have nothing to do but wait.  For a day, for a week, who knows?  (I am pulling for November 12, by the way.  Because how cool would the birthday 11/12/13 be?)

I know nothing except that it is coming.  Very soon.

Holy crap.