I Used to Write a Blog

For six years or so, I wrote a blog, on a pretty regular basis.  Over the years more and more people started reading it, and on occasion I would get recognized when I was out which was surreal and awesome.  I LOVED that people read it, not because I wanted to be famous or well known (I mean, not that many people read it), but because it made me feel connected to something at a time when I was feeling really alone - stuck at home, changing diapers, dealing with postpartum anxiety, raising three children, trying to find my identity.  Writing into the internet void, and knowing someone out there was reading what I wrote, and maybe related in some way, made me feel part of something bigger than myself.  I needed that then, so much.  It saved me really.

Then the children got older.  And Donald Trump was elected.  I'm not sure why these two scenarios resulted in my abandoning my blog altogether, but a day came when I was just done with it.  Where it felt like a duty and not a joy, and just another thing on my plate.  I felt somewhat empowered by my choice to stop writing, like I was really taking charge of my life and doing what it is I needed, as opposed to what others wanted from me.  I never wrote a "goodbye" post, because I wanted to keep the option open to return, once I had the urge to write again.  And then a couple years passed by, and I never had the urge.

For me, my desire to write goes in cycles, which tend to last a few years.  I've heard a lot of writers say this (and no, I don't consider myself a real "writer," yet).  When its there its strong and I can bang something out without even editing it.  It comes from somewhere deep and vulnerable and honest.

But the last couple years of this blog I wasn't really being honest anymore.  I was trying to be funny and witty and write about things I thought people wanted me to write about.  As my kids got older, I stopped being as vulnerable, worried that they would someday actually read the things I wrote.  And with the election, and the general state of the world, I didn't want to go deep anymore.  I just wanted to keep things surface level.  Maybe it was a survival tactic, or maybe it's just what I needed at that time in my life.

I have been skating along the past couple of years, and I've actually been really happy.  Having come up for air from the baby stages, I made a lot of friends and have had a really active social life. I turned 40.  I traveled a lot - to London, Italy, India, Costa Rica, and almost to Japan (where I am supposed to be right now - a topic for another post).  We built a house in Cape Cod and spend our summers there now.  I spent two years serving on the Executive Committee of our school's Parent Association. Marijuana was legalized and I took full advantage.  I got in the best shape of my life and continue to go to the gym daily.  I recently completed training in child custody mediation, and I've been working for the DC courts doing just that.

It's been all good.  But it's been surface.

Then, in 2020, things got deep.

Way before this global pandemic, by the way.  It got deep early in January.  I can't pinpoint why, and the term "midlife crisis" is so cliche, but I think that's what it was.  My anxiety came back.  I bought a pack of cigarettes (just one.  I promise).  I began questioning my place in the world and what my purpose was and what the hell I was going to do with my life.  I signed up for a novel writing class (which I quit, when I realized my novel sucked.  Absolutely sucked).  I started getting acupuncture and found a new therapist who I was seeing two times a week.  I started meditating daily (way harder than it sounds).  2020 was already a really weird year.

And now.... It's crazy fucked up.  For everyone.

Ironically, I find myself in similar situation to when I started this blog nine long years ago.  Lonely, stuck at home, dealing with anxiety, trying to find my identity, writing into the internet void searching for some kind of connection.  The things I have used to distract myself these past few years - friends, the gym, volunteering, work - those have all been taken away from me in the midst of this coronavirus pandemic.  Quarantines and social distancing and the dread of waking up in the morning to read the news.  It's a crazy time to be alive.

For better or worse, I'm ready to go deep again.  I'm ready to start writing again.  So if anyone out there is still reading, Hello! It's been a while.